1. Whatever critter keeping eating the strawberries off my plants just as they are almost ripe enough to pick. I have six plants and, so far, have gotten zero strawberries off of them. Next year I shall plant strawberries in large pots on the deck and leave one of the dogs outside all night. So, little critter, you may be winning the battle of ’07, but you will lose the war. In the meantime, I guess we will all eat store bought strawberries, which aren’t nearly as good.
2. While I’m talking produce, two words: Seedless Watermelons. These annoy me on a few levels. First, I’m not a big fan of frankenfoods. Watermelons are meant to have seeds so that baby watermelons can be brought forth, grow into healthy young adult watermelons, and then be massacred and devoured by people like me. What exactly does one do to make a watermelon seedless, and how is that affecting me when I eat said watermelon? Also, the term seedless is a misnomer, if not blatant false advertising. I have had to explain to my kids on many occasions that seedless watermelons don’t have the black seeds, but they still have some of the immature, white seeds. That doesn’t make sense to the kids. It doesn’t make sense to me, either, because, black or white, I’m still spitting out seeds. And those things bounce. Right off the plate and onto my computer screen. Also, why is it that the grocery store keeps putting the “seedless” watermelons on sale, but not the normal ones? I’d rather buy the normal ones, but they have been so much more expensive. See, lot’s of reasons to be annoyed by seedless watermelons.
3. This one makes me an official nerd: The word “less” is used to describe non-count nouns. The word “fewer” is used for count nouns. So, a little shout out to my favorite country radio station: you don’t play less commercials than anyone else in town, you play fewer commercials. I’m about ready to tune you out over this one. The same goes to the good folks at www.dermitage.com. I have never visited your website despite my quest to rid myself of wrinkles and your everpresent advertising presence on the internet because, damn, your copywriters suck. It’s fewer wrinkles, not less. Tedious though it may be, we can count wrinkles. Or did you not know that because, for some reason, you have less oxygen flowing to your brain than the average individual? I’ll give everyone and anyone a free pass on lie and lay, but less and fewer and then and than? No way. And once I can finally remember the whole lie/lay thing myself . . . I’m yanking that free pass, too.
4. Water. Now, normally, water does not annoy me. I like to drink it, a lot. I also really, really, love to shower in it. Swimming is also fun. It is also exceptionally good for my garden. This is the annoying part. Despite the several local meteorologists’ predictions that we will have a couple days of raging thunderstorms each week, we have gotten approximately zero rain since about May. Actually, the last goodly amount of precipitation I recall was that unwanted snowfall in April. This means I have to water my garden. I am not opposed to dragging the hose across the yard, getting all muddy, and having to fight back the kids who want to run through the water. I am not even opposed to having to turn the knob to start the flow of water through the hose. I am, however, opposed to the prices we pay around here for our water. Every time I turn on the faucet I think, “This is it. This will be the time when gemstones plunk out onto the sink. Or, maybe, it will be liquid gold.” Alas, it has yet to happen and, after five years in this town, I’ve packed up my prospecting gear. Now I just weep silently any time we need to turn on the water.
Hmmm . . . well, I guess that’s about it for the day. Look at that. A whole list of annoying things and not once did I mention my children.
And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt says hello.