Once upon a time there was a nice man and his wife who wanted nothing more than to complete their family by adopting a little boy from Vietnam and have a 37″ flat screen t.v. to hang upon the wall in their recreation/media room.
Well, it was more the nice man who wanted the television, but you probably knew that anyway.
And lo, there came a day, the unholiest of all holidays, Black Friday. Within the mounds of advertisements sent forth to mark the day there was a Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8 on sale for an unbelievably low, low price at the Megalith Market. The men folk gathered reverently around the ad, humbly bowed their heads, and sang low and sweet,
Amazing ad, how sweet the sound
Of the cash we’ll save.
A big t.v. mounted on the wall
Is something we can have.
It’s sight rhyme folks, just go with me here.
Though she cared little about the size or shape of the television in her house, the woman loved her husband and loved the thrill of the Black Friday hunt, so she got up desperately early on the appointed day and headed to Megalith Market where she procured the desired Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8 and brought it proudly home to commemorate both her husband’s birthday and the upcoming Christmas holiday. And there was great rejoicing.
The television was set up, though not yet hung on the wall, and the nice man, who had recently sustained an injury and was on several prescription medications, settled into his recliner to enjoy the big, full screen picture of his brand new Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8. Ahhhhh . . . man bliss.
Two days later the wife decided she, too, would like to enjoy the big, full screen picture of the brand new Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8, and so she went downstairs to join the nice man who was recuperating nicely, and slowly metabolizing the medications out of his system.
“Holy crap!” the wife said. “That picture is awful!”
“It is?” the nice man said; and when he forced his eyes to focus, really focus, he realized that the lack of facial features on the people in the screen was not a side effect of his medication but, instead, was a manifestation of the fact the t.v. simply didn’t work right.
The nice man called the customer service number and prayed a prayer of gratitude that he hadn’t yet thrown out the box. The good woman on the other end of the customer service line told the nice man that they had been inundated with calls from customers who had purchased the Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8 at Megalith Market on Black Friday. The manufacturer, it seemed, had sent out a bad shipment or two of the televisions. She instructed the nice man to take it back to Megalith Market and exchange it for a new one.
The wife called the Very Friendly Megalith Market Media Manager and explained the situation. He was sad to tell her that they had no more Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8s in stock, and asked that she keep calling every few days to check and see if a new shipment had arrived. The nice man and his wife began dutifully calling every few days to see if there had been any new shipments. On about the second call, a Megalith Market Media Matron had the brilliant idea to check the computer system and see if any other Megalith Markets in the area might have some of the televisions in stock.
Lo and behold, the computer showed that there were 22 Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8s in stock at a Market 30 minutes away. The wife called that Market to double check the unbelievable quantity they supposedly had and, lo, the Media Matron there trundled to the back whilst on the phone with the wife and found five in stock. Five!
The nice man with the injured back loaded the television into his truck and drove the half hour to exchange it. Alas, upon arriving at the appointed Market it was discovered that the Media Matron had been smoking crack and, in fact, there was only one Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8 left in stock. This one Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8 had already been promised to another nice man who was on his way from an undisclosed location 45 minutes from the specified Megalith Market.
The nice man with the injured back trudged into the cold and gloom to load his broken television back into his truck and drive the half hour home.
There was much sadness in the land.
The couple continued to call the Megalith Market, but yea, there were no replacement televisions to be had.
One day, while printing Christmas photos at the Megalith Market Media Center, the wife encountered the manager. He was, as usual, very friendly, and he told her to bring the television in and he would exchange it for another 37″ Sylvania, albeit a different model number. So she went home and told the very nice man, and he and his injured back re-loaded the broken television into the truck and drove to the Market for the exchange. But lo, the new television being proffered for the exchange was of lesser quality and was not as “feature rich.” Additionally, the Manager found out they would no longer be carrying the Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8, so no more would be coming on any shipment. So, once again, the very nice broken man dragged the even more broken television out to his truck.
With a gleam of hope in his eye he drove the television, and his four children, up to his sister-in-law’s house to hook it up to her satellite connection. “Maybe, just maybe,” he mused, “there is nothing wrong with the television. Maybe it is just our lousy limited cable.”
Alas, it was not.
The very nice man went home, somewhat dejected, and called Sylvania once again.
“You can send it in and we can try to fix it for you. It will take 4-6 weeks. At that point, if we can’t fix it, we will either give you a new t.v. or refund your purchase price,” said Call Center Dude Tim # 1150.
Since the very nice man and his wife had already been waiting for three weeks, they thought that sounded a little bit unreasonable.
“No,” said the very nice man very nicely, “I don’t want to wait 4-6 weeks to possibly get a refurbished t.v. I bought a brand new t.v. that has never worked. I would like a brand new t.v. sent to replace it.
Call Center Dude Tim said this was not possible, so the very nice man asked to speak to his supervisor.
After explaining his ongoing Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8 saga to Call Center Floor Manager Andrew # 1257, the very nice man was told that such an exchange could only be authorized by the corporate office, which was not the same as the call center, and was closed for the evening. However, said Andrew # 1257, if the very nice man would call back the next day during business hours a floor manager would be able to connect him with the corporate office.
So, the next day, the very nice man once again called the customer service number included with the Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8. Call Center Dude Troy # 1048 said they could not not exchange the television without first having it sent in for repair, and if he truly wanted to contact the corporate office the very nice man would have to fax them.
The very nice man really didn’t want to fax anybody. He wanted to talk to a human being and be done with this once and for all, just as you probably want this story to be done with already. Call Center Dude Troy # 1048 transferred the very nice man to Floor Manager Drew # 1253 who informed him that, yes, he would have to fax corporate and, no, floor managers could not, no matter what Andrew # 1257 said, connect customers directly with the corporate office. After reiterating that the very nice man had no option other than sending in his broken television and waiting 4-6 weeks to see if they could fix it, at which time the warranty will be expired, he hung up on the very nice man.
Moral of the Story: Be very nice, be very persistent, and the Megalith Market (which I would gladly name were it not so regional) will finally give you a much nicer Philips Magnavox that has a good picture and actually detects the HD signals you do get in exchange for your crappy Sylvania; but no matter how nice you are or how persistent you are, the crappy customer service that goes with that crappy Sylvania 37″ Digital LDC TV Model # LC370SS8 will remain crappy.
And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt is going to watch some HDTV now.