How to Give Your Very Mormon Husband a Coronary

There are lots of things a Mormon gal could do to give her very Mormon husband a heart attack.

She could drink a cup of coffee.

She could come home from book club with a Marlboro hanging from her lips and a tattoo on her bicep.

She could decide to supplement the family income by turning tricks down by the auto body/shoe repair shop.

She could sit at home smoking crack and blogging all day.

She could declare that she hates children, wouldn’t be caught dead driving a minivan, and refuses to grow a vegetable garden, all while throwing the canning jars that somebody gave them as a wedding gift at his head.

I have done none of those things.  I haven’t even had a cup of coffee (though we shan’t speak of my ever growing consumption of diet Dr. Pepper).  But alas, my new town does have (and I am not making this up) an auto body/shoe repair shop.  I really want to take a picture of the sign to prove it to you, but there are less than 300 people in this town, and we are the new people, so I’m sure I’d be rather conspicuous standing across Main Street taking a picture of the auto body/shoe repair shop.  They would have to know that the only reason anyone would take a picture of such a sign would be to mock it on their blog, right?

Anyway, as I was saying, I have done none of those things.

What I did do, however, was come home from the grocery store (aka mom’s night out) with this:


The disappointment, the disapproval, the utter bewilderment and shock in his eyes!  There was no anger, but grave concern for my very soul?  I. think. so.

Never mind that it is non-alcoholic (look closely at the photo, folks); never mind that the only reason I bought it was because I’ve had two of these sitting around the house forever and wanted to use them already; never mind that even if I used real beer to make the bread the alcohol would cook out anyway; never mind the fact that he himself actually has two real tattoos, and the only reason I even know O’Doul’s exists is because I dated a guy in college who’s last name is H1nckley (not to be a name dropper or anything) and he drank the stuff.  Harumph!

I was so taken aback by McH’s very unexpected reaction (two tattoos people!  and one is of an XMan!) that, I kid you not, I left my O’Doul’s hidden in the garage.  When I actually made the bread, I surreptitiously brought one bottle, yes ONE bottle, into the house, making sure to conceal it as much as possible behind the box of bread mix as I popped the top and poured it into the bowl.

I am making the second box of bread mix right now, while he is at work.

I don’t know what I’ll do with the other four bottles.  Anyone want to “party”?

And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt says hello, and he can walk a straight line with no problems, thankyouverymuch.

14 thoughts on “How to Give Your Very Mormon Husband a Coronary

  1. Colleen

    Just wait until he tastes the bread! It is sooo worth it. Not to mention the awesome dips you can get there. I am a huge fan.

    The fake beer… not so much.

    Good luck!


  2. See, this is why long hair on him will just be soooo wrong. For a guy to look good with long hair, he has to have a certain type of personality. And the “I’ve got a diamond factory up my butt” personality is just not it.


  3. Carissa

    Really an autobody/shoe repair shop? That has me totally intrigued….sorry I digress

    Wow, does he like the bread?


  4. OK, you really shouldn’t have shown me that. I know you have a thing for younger guys but, really, that kids is too young for ME to cradle-rob!

    And, yeah, that isn’t the hair length I was picturing. I was thinking of more of a Nick St. John (the more appropriately-aged vampire on Moonlight) hairdo. Sorry, but if Matt goes with that hairdo, I may be tempted to hum “Hangin’ Tough” every time I’m around him.


  5. Oh Katie, you are such a man. As I’ve had to explain to my husband a thousand times, it’s not about that particular actor. It’s all about the character. But if you haven’t read the books, or are a man, you would assume it’s about the actor.


  6. I understand the character thing, really. But, at the point that the character turned into a teenage boy (isn’t the book about high schoolers?) I would lose all inclination to try and make my husband look like the actor.

    Or Jordan from New Kids on the Block.


  7. Nancy

    Guess I’m going to have to read these books to understand what is going on here.

    I couldn’t follow the link (I was blocked by a Netgear firewall, which is probably Doug watching out for his kids), but am assuming it is the same photo you showed me when I was at your house.

    Does WordPress’s new avatar generator make comments sections look like so many quilt blocks to anyone but me? Or am I just showing my age?


  8. You know, I hadn’t actually watched the preview for Twilight until just now, and, though I’ve only met your husband once, if memory serves, he’s going to be a pretty good approximation of Edward with a little bit longer hair and funky contact lenses. Of course, the fact that he looks like he’s 20 (I’m talking your work for it that you two didn’t have your first child when he was still in elementary school) won’t hurt the resemblance thing, either. 🙂


  9. LOL!!! No, a different Hinckley. As in, the last president of our church. Not that I dated a president of our church (he was rather old for me and happily married anyway), but somebody that may or may not have been related to him.


  10. No, mom, it is the movie trailer. Much better than the photo. The quilt block things are new. If you want that instead of an avatar you go into setting and then something else and then click on that option. The quilt thingy is generated based on some math equation and your email address, I believe. Trust me, I wouldn’t have picked mustard yellow myself.


  11. LMAO! Shows how important perspective is–I totally wouldn’t have thought about the Hinckley/Reagan thing. That would seem a strange thing to name-drop about!


  12. Dianna

    I’m having more fun reading the comments than your post! And I thought that was darn hilarious! BTW, just at THE BIG BOOKSTORE and they had a huge Twilight display, so of course I thought of you and ran back to work to check your blog and email and THEN I get distracted by the auto body/shoe repair (no, you can not take a picture without being labeled as odd, but they might not actually know what a blog is) and THEN I get distracted by your husband’s fear of O’Douls. If vampires aren’t goign to corrupt you, I doubt if non-alcoholic beer will lead you to the dark side. Just saying. 🙂


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