That’s One Way to Promote Teen Abstinence

I know you all will think I’m some horribly irresponsible parent, but as the risk of suffering your wrath here goes:  I took Quinn to the pediatrician today for. the. first. time.

Cut me some slack, okay?  We moved.  Every time I asked women I met about local pediatricians I’d get some response like, “Oh, we just go up to the health department for vaccinations,” or “I don’t like our pediatrician much because he wouldn’t listen to me and let my daughter suffer with a UTI for 10 days, but my sister loves him.  He listens to her.  Maybe he’ll listen to you, too, since you have a lot of kids,” or “Are you looking for somebody really good, or are you just wanting somebody close?”

While overall I think everyone’s approach to health care around here is more my (nobody is dying so stay the hell away from us) style, even I don’t want to take my kids to a horse doctor.

No offense to the horse doctors.

Not that anybody actually takes their kids to a veterinarian because, you know, that would be illegal.

Anyway, thanks to the librarian, I finally got my baby to a doctor.  A people doctor.  I think, a good one.

When he came into the exam room he talked to me for a bit and then said, “I see you wrote here that you have a concern about phimosis*.  Now was this a medical diagnosis you got somewhere else, or, you know, why do you think you should be concerned about this?”

*Sigh*  Why is it doctors just “love” stay-at-home-mom’s who come in knowing something?

“No,” I said, “It is not an official diagnosis, but once you take a look you’ll see it is pretty obvious.”

Which is an understatement.  Really.  The thing looks like a little funnel, all pointy and unbelievably narrow at the end.  Aren’t you glad you tuned into today for this special installment of TMI?

So he took a look and, lo and behold, I was right!  Imagine!  A SAHM just rotting her brain out to Green Eggs and Ham actually knew something (thanks to my mom who knew the name for the condition, though I figured out there was a condition all on my own).

After testing the retractability for himself, the good Dr. said he was going to refer us to a urologist (no!  really?!?!) and then said it was really tight (really?!?) and likely Quinn will need circumcised (you don’t say!!!!!).  On the up side, he is sending us to the urologist who is a little slower on the trigger, or scalpel, as the case may be, so we’ll see if there are any other options.

The Dr. said for now it obviously isn’t presenting any problems, but we’ll need to figure out a solution one way or another before the little guy hits puberty because, at that point, “it could cause him some real pain and discomfort like, you know, every five minutes, and that wouldn’t be a good thing . . . hmm . . . on second thought . . . a teenage boy . . . maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

Yes, well, as much as I believe in teaching our children abstinence, really teaching our children abstinence (not “wink, wink, nudge, nudge, don’t do it and, oh by the way, have a condom), I don’t believe I want to condition my son in such a way.

But I appreciated the Dr.’s sense of humor, nonetheless.

Another interesting thing, and then I’ll scoot off to my real life which is demanding I do many of the things I didn’t get done from yesterday’s list:

At the beginning of our appointment, in which the Dr. was seeing two of the kids for physicals but all of the kids because they were there (oh! my! word!) he asked, “So tell me what kind of parents are in the home?”

I didn’t know what to say.  Ummm . . . educated?  Short?  Middle class?  Muscular?  Flabby?  Tattooed?  Conservative?  Suburban folk who have recently transplanted to the country and are maybe going a little stir crazy?  Or at least are really missing the kick butt shopping they are she is used to?

What the hell kind of question?????

So I said what any sane person would say:

“I’m sorry?  What are you asking here?”

See, I said sane.

He basically wanted to know if there were two parents, one parent, step-parents, two moms, whatever.  I suppose that is a difficult question to ask in some politically correct manner that wouldn’t offend any of the possible parental situations/combinations.

I told him the kids have mom and dad, no step-parents anywhere, and there have always been mom and dad, the same mom and dad, together.

He said, “Well, good.  That sure is uncommon these days.”

And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt is weeping for society.

oooo!  PS:  65% for height and 32% for weight, so not too bad!  I need to see how that translates on the Vietnamese charts.

*PPS:  I didn’t scroll all the way down before I linked up the phimosis article, so sorry if you clicked over and were shocked and horrified by the accompanying photos.

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9 thoughts on “That’s One Way to Promote Teen Abstinence

  1. Many boys aren’t retractible until grade-school age (or older – some not until puberty or later,) so phimosis is a bit of a premature diagnosis. It’s like diagnosing a seven-year-old girl with hypoplastic breasts because she’s flat-chested – no, she just hasn’t developed yet!

    If he can urinate without difficulty (even if the foreskin balloons and then allows the urine out,) he’s fine. He’ll be retractible eventually, as he grows and develops (and does the inevitable pulling/tugging on the equipment that boys universally do.)

    The most important thing is that no one (other than the child himself) retract the foreskin. It doesn’t need to be done if it’s not easily retractible yet (and if you’re thinking phimosis, obviously it’s not.) Leave the thing alone! 🙂


  2. Good to know. Tank Boy was the first uncirc’d boy I had any experience with, and he never had this umm “issue” and the thing is really, really tight . . . so, you know, had to try to figure it out as soon as I noticed. Believe me, I’m happy to leave the thing alone! LOL! I’ve been leaving it alone for months now after my first attempt to clean it (which is what I’d always heard we should be doing).


  3. Nancy

    You do realize that you don’t have to click on the phimosis link to get the photo, don’t you? Just hover your cursor over it for a peep show.

    It was a little startling, to say the least.

    Hope he doesn’t require surgery, a the above comment seems to indicate.


  4. You know, I wish that we could go longer than 2 months without the NEED for a doc. Between the 3 kids, we’re always healing from an accident, nursing a wheeze, or renewing Rx’s. I’m glad that he’s sending you to a specialist though…sometimes those small-town docs try to do it all themselves.


  5. LOL – glad you’re on board with the “leave it alone” plan. Really works the best. He’ll loosen it up in time. 🙂

    It’s amazing how few docs (even pedes) particularly in the midwest (which, y’know, is where I am too) have no clue whatsoever how to deal with an intact penis. No clue! It’s wild. They’re just not educated in it at all.

    Everything I know on the topic has come from reading articles online (most of them based in the UK/Australia where the vast, vast majority are intact) – learned nothing about it in PA school, except that phimosis = needs to be circ’ed (which it totally doesn’t – even true phimosis in adult men can be treated nicely w/ steroid creams and other treatments many times – but the good ol’ US medical paradigm is to start doing surgery. Oy.)

    Anyway, at least that’s one thing to cross off of your list to worry about! 😀


  6. I knew more than I ever wanted to know about the male thingy even before I checked in here today. What an odd piece of equipment. And to think I’m going to have two more to deal with here soon.


  7. Yeah, I take G to the doctor when I really need to. Other than that, the Internet is my main doc. Also, our neighbor is a pediatrician, which comes in very handy.


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