. . . Don’t Say Anything At All.

You didn’t really think I was going to leave it at yesterday’s post, did you?

No, no.  That was just to let you know I was still alive.  Plus?  It was written on my iTouch, so it had to be short, you know.

Oh, and, yeah, I wasn’t too happy with the movie.  But I do have nice things to say about it.

For instance:  Kristen Stewart, who portrays the klutzy and humble Bella, did an amazing job of displaying the emotional range of toast.  Really, it must be hard work for an actor to be so emotionally monotone in a movie fraught with first love and terror, but she did it and she did it well.

Also?  The special effects!  With technology being what it is today I just didn’t think it was possible to take the special effects back to the movies-of-my-youth quality, but they did it!  And they did it well.

The editing was also very innovative.  It never would have occurred to me, were I in the industry, to use my Pampered Chef Vegetable Chopper as an editing tool, but somebody obviously did a great job of thinking outside the box and did just that.  Kudos!

Rob Pattinson, our beloved and moody Edward, was easy on the eyes and displayed a lot of emotional range.  I think he was a good casting choice, though someone obviously did a genius job of either allowing him or coaching him to overact in ways never seen before.  It was only during a few really key scenes that this happened, but boy did he nail it.  He did such an amazing job that I actually had to look away at one point.  Because, you know, I was embarrassed for him.  Silly me, not appreciating such talent.

Together, along with Pampered Chef and the editing staff, Kristen and Rob did a truly wonderful job of making first love/true love look absolutely unenjoyable.  Aside from that one brief scene wherein they walked across the school parking lot together as a couple and he smiled and she almost smiled, they perfected the portrayal of love as a joyless emotion.  Way to go you talented kids, you!

I have loved the books so much for so long that I never in a million years would have thought to make the first one into a B movie, but as I sat there watching the movie and thinking, “This experience feels very familiar to me . . . very, very familiar . . . what is it . . . Ah-ha!  Yes!  Mystery Science Theater 3000, but without the goofy guy and his robots!” I realized that the brilliant director had done just that.  So now I can not wait (seriously!) CAN! NOT! WAIT! until it comes out on DVD so that I can buy it and watch it while listening to the Riff Track that is sure to come.

Over all, the movie was great because it made me laugh.  A lot.  In all the wrong places.  And make no mistake about it, the entire theater was laughing along with me.

But don’t take my word for it.  Lots of people have lots of different nice things to say about the Twilight movie, and they may just be smarter than I am.  Or stoned.  Or thirteen.  Or maybe just smarter.

The party was lots of fun, and I got many compliments on my sparkly man cookies.  Which reminds me:

1 cup Crisco (or similar shortening)
1 bag (2 lb) powdered sugar
1/2 cup milk (give or take)
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. (or so) salt (dissolve in milk before adding milk to everything else)

This is the frosting recipe I use for cookies, cakes, anything that I can eat and want to put frosting on really.  Here are a few tips:  you can add more less milk depending on the consistency you want; rice milk is a perfectly good substitute for the real thing, and nobody will taste the difference; if you want your frosting to be really white, get clear imitation vanilla at a craft or cake decorating store; if you get the cheap Wal Mart version of Crisco you must beat the snot out of the frosting mixture on Very Extra Fast (what?  doesn’t your mixer have that setting?) for about five minutes or more to get it to look white rather than vomit colored.

As I was saying . . . the party was lots of fun.  We had a couple of Edwards, a Carlisle (complete with bleached out hair) and Esme, an Emily, a Jane (complete with hand buzzer thingy so she could shock you when she introduced herself), a Billy Black (complete with wheelchair), a Jessica and Mike (yeah, means they wore normal clothes), a few Alices (because who doesn’t love Alice?).  I got pictures, all of which aren’t that good, but I’ll share a few in a moment.

I think one of the highlights of the evening for me was when we had one award left to hand out, the Vampire Visionary Broken Headboard Award for having the most Alice-like ability to see the future, and we were running out of time before we had to leave for the movie.  The game we’d planned to use was going to take too long, but one of the Alice guests suggested we play Rock, Paper, Scissors for it.  If you’ve read the series you realize what a brilliant suggestion this was.  So we paired everybody off and did elimination rounds of Rock Paper Scissors.  It was hilarious.

Ahh, yes, the things we find fun when we don’t serve alcohol at parties.  But you have to imagine 20-some people standing around slamming their fists into their hands and . . . well, it was just fun.

I forgot to take a picture of the Broken Headboard Awards, but I got them in the background of another picture, so here they are all cropped out and blurry, but it gives you the idea:

Broken Headboard Awards

And what you all really want to see, McH as Edward:


I didn’t really get him looking any more pasty white than he normally does, but the sparkling turned out okay and the dark circles under his eyes are rather good, I think.  The hair hasn’t come off yet, but I know that will be on the agenda for this evening.  I actually did color it to give it some reddish/coppery color, but it didn’t turn out right and it just looks darker.  No worries though, it will wash out in 28 shampoos or something ridiculous like that.

Okay, one more photo and then I really should go pay attention to my kids:

at the theater 

Here we are (meaning me, my extra chin, and McH) at the theater waiting for the movie to start.  This is probably the only time I will post a picture of me without a password.  Notice the lack of scrunch lines between my eyebrows.  That is thanks to my good friends at Frownies who do not pay me, nor do they give me free products, for this endorsement.  I should probably post the picture from a couple of weeks ago when I hadn’t been using the Frownies so that you can see how well they work.

Anway . . . note the feathers in my hair.  I was supposed to be Bella after the honeymoon.

We had the best seats in the house because “Carlisle” called the theater a few days ahead of time and asked if we could reserve seating for our party.  We all pre-ordered our ticket and then when we were all at the theater as a group, tickets in hand, one of the management folks walked us outside and in the backdoor of the theater before they let any of the people teenagers who had been waiting in line inside for over an hour into the theater.  Yeah, we were all old and special.

So a big, smoochy thank you to “Carlisle” and “Esme” for hosting the party at their house, and a shout-out and thank you to my friend “Alice” for taking the time and making the effort so that we could see the movie together.  I always complain that I need an Alice, but the truth is I do have one.  She just lives far away.

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8 thoughts on “. . . Don’t Say Anything At All.

  1. Ooh….pictures AND the frosting recipe.

    If only I could home and MAKE the frosting and NOT go to divorce court, my day would be complete.

    I am definitely going to wait and borrow the DVD from Netflix. It sounds like the movie was not…well, not worth seeing at the theatre. It does sound like you had a good time at your party, so, that’s the really important thing.


  2. I know it’s so boring of me to always just say you crack me up, but you do. Way to look at the silver lining of the movie (heard they’ve already greenlit the sequel, so lucky you!). At least the two of you look adorable and the party was fun!


  3. metaphase

    I’m sorry it wasn’t all you had hoped, but at least the party sounded fun. When you love a book, the movie it almost always a disappointment. (I’m thinking Green Mile, Memoirs of a Geisha, Kite Runner although it was the best of those..)


  4. Christina

    I think McH makes a better Edward than the one in the movie. The sparkles are definitely more realistic. And I totally noticed the inappropriate laughter too. I kept turning to K~ and whispering “what’s so funny?” I thought I was missing an inside Twighlight Fans joke or something.


  5. Books to movies…so hard to pull off. Ordinary People, I think, was better as a movie than a book. Umm…can’t really think of anything else to join that tiny list. Oh — Out of Africa, too. That’s about it, though, in my opinion.


  6. Oh Elaine, you are HILARIOUS!!! I heard about your fabulous party afterward. I gave “Charlisle” and “Esme” a talking to about that. Guess they didn’t know I was into Twilight. I haven’t seen the movie yet, because unlike your husband (love the long hair, by the way) won’t go and see it with me. I will be going to see the movie next week though, since this week is “Proclamation” week. I love your review. At least now I won’t be disappointed, and can laugh when I remember your descriptions. Did I mention that you are hilarious?!!


  7. quiregirl

    The movie certainly wasn’t great, but I didn’t think it was quite as bad as that. The sparkling-in-sunlight effect was tastefully done and the baseball scene was cool. 🙂

    And Stacey, I’m covered in embarrassment that I didn’t know you were a fellow Twihard. I do have a peace offering for you…


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