As if the shame and horror over accidentally stealing from Wal Mart were not enough, now you’ve got me even more worried.
Wha? About what?
Why, about the headlines you nincompoops! I can just see it now:
Mormon woman arrested
after being lei’d in Wal Mart
Police say salad dressing, raisins involved
And you know how news outlets are always on the lookout for some local connection to big stories, so my hometown newsfolk will undoubtedly pick it up. Then some Cootervillian, picking a little bit of chicken fried** out of his teeth while sitting in the Laz-y Boy that he just inherited from his sixty-eight-year-old, great-great grandfather/cousin will be all, “Salad dressin’ and raisins? Ain’t no way. Now, Crisco and Twister? Sure. But salad dressin’ and raisins? You just cain’t blieve nothin’ in the news these days.”
Then he will see my picture flash across the screen (because, trust me, he’s not reading a newspaper) and recognize me, since he dated me for two very disappointing years in high school (well, I was in high school, he was out), and he’ll say, “Holy crap (except he won’t say crap)!!!! She sure warn’t no Crisco an Twister girl back in the 80s, ‘cause I swear on my unfiltered Marlboros I wouldn’t a slept ‘round so much if she had-a-bin.”
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave my house again.
And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt says hello.
*That was a joke, of course. Though it could be argued that some of you are . . . ahem . . . dirty, I don’t actually think you are horrid. You made me laugh, a lot, yesterday, and for that I am very thankful.