You Dirty, Horrid People!*

As if the shame and horror over accidentally stealing from Wal Mart were not enough, now you’ve got me even more worried.

Wha?  About what?

Why, about the headlines you nincompoops!  I can just see it now:

Mormon woman arrested

after being lei’d in Wal Mart

Police say salad dressing, raisins involved

And you know how news outlets are always on the lookout for some local connection to big stories, so my hometown newsfolk will undoubtedly pick it up.  Then some Cootervillian, picking a little bit of chicken fried** out of his teeth while sitting in the Laz-y Boy that he just inherited from his sixty-eight-year-old, great-great grandfather/cousin will be all, “Salad dressin’ and raisins?  Ain’t no way.  Now, Crisco and Twister?  Sure.  But salad dressin’ and raisins?  You just cain’t blieve nothin’ in the news these days.”

Then he will see my picture flash across the screen (because, trust me, he’s not reading a newspaper) and recognize me, since he dated me for two very disappointing years in high school (well, I was in high school, he was out), and he’ll say, “Holy crap (except he won’t say crap)!!!!  She sure warn’t no Crisco an Twister girl back in the 80s, ‘cause I swear on my unfiltered Marlboros I wouldn’t a slept ‘round so much if she had-a-bin.”

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave my house again.

And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt says hello.

*That was a joke, of course.  Though it could be argued that some of you are . . . ahem . . . dirty, I don’t actually think you are horrid.  You made me laugh, a lot, yesterday, and for that I am very thankful.


8 thoughts on “You Dirty, Horrid People!*

  1. Dianna

    Darn Mormons… never can tell what they’ll be up to these days! Whole country is going to heck when even the Mormons are going to Walmart…

    Oh. And I happen to love that song. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s on my iPod and it’s one of my favorite songs to run to. Then again, I grew up in Nebraska’s version of Cooterville, so maybe I come by it naturally 🙂


  2. tryingtraditional

    Haha, I needed a good laugh this morning and this did it! I could see you on the 10 o clock news looking, well, lei’d and embarressed while your older girls shake their head that they just didn’t know their mom had it in them, but they always thought there was something strange under the surface (but much more eloquently than I could word it.) Too funny!

    Shoot, one of the twins has shoplifted. The Christmas they were 1 yr old, we were digging in the bins at WalMart for $5 movies. (Yes, I too am a WalMart shopper and politicians can target me to their hearts content now (of course, where else is there here to shop.) It’s a hazard having a huge family where everyone buys…movies are a good option. Anyhow, the twins were “helping.” We finished shopping, checked-out, went through the doors and the blasted beeper-thing goes off. The door person searched my bags, scanned my receipt, and off we went to the car where I loaded in the groceries, and then the kids. Well, when I took the last kid out of the cart, there it was….Nacho Libre scammed out of the store under an innocent kids diapered bum. Needless to say, I loaded the twins back into the cart, had the older two follow and we took it back in. It’s not my kind of flic.


  3. jan ranger (JTM phoebe) and

    can i pretty please have your password? i really like your blog and always walk away smiling from your onryness. yes, that’s a good thing…. 🙂

    xoxoxo, jan 🙂


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