I mentioned the other day, if you remember, that we saw a rather large, most likely snapping, turtle in our pond.
My husband wanted to shoot it. I wouldn’t let him.
After all, I argued, it is just an animal being an animal. It doesn’t deserver to be shot. Do I want it in my pond? Heck no! I rather like my children with all of their toes still attached. However, do I want an innocent animal to suffer an ignominious death? Not particularly. So I suggested we contact our neighbor.
See, we have this neighbor up the road a piece (that’s country talk) who is a . . . umm . . . not a marine biologist, because that denotes salt water . . . umm . . . I don’t remember. I know what he is, but my brain can’t fetch the proper term. Anyway, for lack of the proper term, the neighbor is a fresh water marine biologist. He fiddles around with local ponds (fiddles, with an “F” not piddles with a “P”) (thank goodness) and studies things in them and whatnot.
He stops by every so often and adds things to our pond, removes things from our pond, builds nests for fish to start their little fishy families, stuff like that. We don’t ask him to, he doesn’t ask if he can, and we’re all happy with the arrangement. Everybody in Little Town knows him, he’s lived here all his life, and everyone says he’s a really great guy, so we trust him. Plus? We know nothing about ponds other than that they are fun to swim in if they aren’t too slimy. And he? Knows everything.
So, naturally, Mr. Freshwater Marine Biologist would be the person to talk to about how to catch the snapping turtle and relocate it to other waters.
Since Mr. Freshwater Marine Biologist stopped by today to catch some itty bitty water bugs (somebody he knows is apparently starting a new pond and needs some of these bugs so as to achieve the proper pond ecosystem or balance or whatever), McH seized the opportunity to ask him about ridding ourselves of the snapper.
“Do you have a gun?” Mr. Freshwater Marine Biologist asked.
“Then shoot it. You don’t want a snapping turtle in a pond people swim in.”
I should probably stop using quotes since I wasn’t actually outside and participating in this conversation. But following his admonition to shoot the turtle came his methodology. As it was related to me, it goes something like this:
Get yourself some road kill and tie it to (?something?) and an empty milk jug. Float it out there in your pond, and when you see the milk jug go down, you know you’ve found your snapper. Then just shoot it.
Does anyone else see more than one problem with that scenario? Because I do.
First, I don’t really think I want to let my children swim in a pond that has had road kill floating in it.
Second, road kill and a milk jug? Road kill and a milk jug?????? Never did I expect to find those words strung together on the menu of my life. Know what I’m saying?
And after we tie road kill to a milk jug and shoot ourselves a turtle? Then what? Really, how do you top that??? Take up tabacky chewin’ and build a back yard still?
Seriously, I’m not trying to make fun of our neighbor. He’s great. Very knowledgeable and nice. Has all his teeth, and I highly doubt he drinks hooch.
I’m also not trying to make fun of Tiny Town, because it is not nearly as Cootervillian as Cooterville, where I spent the latter half of my formative years. There is not a twang to be found anywhere around here. And if it weren’t for areas of the country like this one, and the people who live and die here, none of us would have anything to eat unless we grew it or slaughtered it ourselves; and we also wouldn’t be able to drive automobiles from a bankrupt company.
But seriously folks, road kill and a milk jug? Once I’m done rigging that contraption maybe I’ll dig a hole in the yard, cut up the seat of a folding lawn chair, plop it over top the hole, and then the kids won’t have to come in to potty. And then maybe McH and I can take the riding mower out for spin and get us a fried bologna sandwich at the Supper Club. We won’t get a babysitter or anything, just tie the kids to the trampoline (which reminds me, I should dig that hole close to the trampoline but build the still far away).
But then what? Then what???? I am open to suggestions.*
And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt is aghast at the idea of road kill in his pond.
*Don’t suggest we make turtle soup. We already have someone who wants the turtle to make himself some soup, should we catch it. No, it is not the neighbor who told us to shoot it. It is someone else entirely. Though, now that I think about it, he said we should shoot it, too. People around here really aren’t rednecks. “They’re outdoorsy, that’s all.”**
**Points if you can tell me the movie that comes from.