For the Record

Dear Global Warming Enthusiasts,

I just returned with my brood of five children from an outing to Wal Mart.  This would be of neither import nor interest were it not for the fact that in order to comfortably go on said outing we all had to don jackets.

For the record, it is July 22nd, a time of year wherein (normally)  heat and humidity drive the Amish to contemplate central air while the Evangelical Christians* prayerfully consider becoming nudists.  And yet, not to be repetitive, we required jackets for warmth today.

We also wore jackets to a picnic in a neighboring state this past weekend and, for the first time in my 38 years of existence, we wore jackets while watching Fourth of July fireworks.

Additionally, my tomato crop is going to be small, I fear, because the plants seem to be shivering all their blossoms off.  Have you ever tried to knit a sweater for a tomato plant?  It isn’t easy, even when your arms aren’t tightly wound around a tree.

I love the earth, I really do.  But?  Right now?  I’d like it a little warmer.  Thank you for so diligently publicizing all the ways you think I can accomplish this goal.  I’m off to let my Suburban idle next to my garden, turn on every light in my house, set all the faucets in the “on” position, build a bonfire in my backyard, crank up the heat, kill wildlife, and pass a lot of gas.  Have I forgotten anything?




*I actually know very, very little about Evangelical Christians.  It is quite possible that they embrace public nudity and I am just totally unaware (though somehow I doubt it).  At any rate, I am not making fun of them or of prayer.  Just in case there is any question in your mind whatsoever:  I am making fun of the concept of global warming and the people who embrace it.  That is all.

10 thoughts on “For the Record

  1. Teri

    I’ll give you a little of the heat here, well over 100 for awhile now, if you send me a little of the cold.



  2. I join your commentors on the other side…but with a little extra argument. It’s 100 here in Oregon, too…Oregon! Ridiculous. It should be — usually is — nice and temperate and in the 70s/80s here. I’m so hating it. Turn off the car.


  3. Isn’t this weather….fraptastic?!? I’m with you. Maybe I’ll go buy styrofoam plates and cups. At Sam’s. And use them all 3 meals a day for all of August. Hey, if you’re family did that too we might solve our problem!


  4. I’m with you. I bought a pool pass this summer reasoning that only 12 visits & it will be worth the initial outlay of cash. Last summer we were at the pool 3-4x a week. This year I’ll be lucky if we go 10 times. It’s COLD! It’s supposed to be 80 tomorrow so we might go because it’ll be a long wait for a mid 80 day. I’m guessing our heatwave will start the day the kids start back to school…


  5. As an evangelical Christian I want you to know I almost shot milk out my nose on that nudist comment! 🙂 I however, would never even prayerfully consider becoming a nudist. It would require too much shaving and sun block.
    Just for the record, here in the Emerald City, mother nature has been a bit schitzo this year. Can’t decide if she’s really hot or freezing. I’m starting to wonder if her ‘climate change’ is really just a fancy word for menopause! ;>)


  6. Christina

    Texas is hot?! Good grief, next someone is going to tell me that the earth is round. I refuse to believe it. Kidding Nicki!! (um, sort of!) I’m rather enjoying our so-called “mild” summer here in VA. And back when we lived in Seattle I used to tell my Dad (who could BE Al Gore, he is such an ardent supporter of his policies) that I would LOVE to see more global warming – bring it on! If only liberal slideshows were true…


  7. I had to laugh at the Evangelical Christian comment. Somehow I think one of them becoming a nudist is about as likely as a Mormon becoming one! I did really enjoy the disclaimer at the end, though!
    It has been hot here in L.A. (lower Alabama for those following along at home). Then again, it is July in the deep South…And you know what? I say bring it on, because I hate cold weather. I’ll be singing the praises of global warming when it’s still nice here at Christmas time:) I have to say, though I’m for the freedom to drive my SUV, I’m not for wasting energy just b/c I can. You know, just b/c you can doesn’t mean you should. I know you were just being facetious, however.


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