Dear Global Warming Enthusiasts,
I just returned with my brood of five children from an outing to Wal Mart. This would be of neither import nor interest were it not for the fact that in order to comfortably go on said outing we all had to don jackets.
For the record, it is July 22nd, a time of year wherein (normally) heat and humidity drive the Amish to contemplate central air while the Evangelical Christians* prayerfully consider becoming nudists. And yet, not to be repetitive, we required jackets for warmth today.
We also wore jackets to a picnic in a neighboring state this past weekend and, for the first time in my 38 years of existence, we wore jackets while watching Fourth of July fireworks.
Additionally, my tomato crop is going to be small, I fear, because the plants seem to be shivering all their blossoms off. Have you ever tried to knit a sweater for a tomato plant? It isn’t easy, even when your arms aren’t tightly wound around a tree.
I love the earth, I really do. But? Right now? I’d like it a little warmer. Thank you for so diligently publicizing all the ways you think I can accomplish this goal. I’m off to let my Suburban idle next to my garden, turn on every light in my house, set all the faucets in the “on” position, build a bonfire in my backyard, crank up the heat, kill wildlife, and pass a lot of gas. Have I forgotten anything?
*I actually know very, very little about Evangelical Christians. It is quite possible that they embrace public nudity and I am just totally unaware (though somehow I doubt it). At any rate, I am not making fun of them or of prayer. Just in case there is any question in your mind whatsoever: I am making fun of the concept of global warming and the people who embrace it. That is all.