I Took My Husband’s Girlfriend Shopping & Mormon Monday

Have I told you all about my husband’s girlfriend?  Yeah, she’s been around for awhile now.

She is originally from Taiwan, but she speaks with an Australian accent, because my husband makes her talk that way.  He likes it.

Other than that, the only reason he really likes her is because she tells him what to do.

“In 400 feet, turn left.”

“Drive 6 point 6 miles, then turn right on Anywhere Road.”

And his favorite,

“Recalculating.”

Men and their bimbos, I swear.

Anyway, today I had to take Tank Boy back to the dentist for a filling, and L~ had an appointment with the orthodontist at the same time (in the same office – let me hear a big Woo Hoo!), and since that is all located in an area that actually has retail, and we needed to finish up back-to-school shopping, I took the girlfriend along so she could tell me where to go.  It worked out so much better than printing off a thousand and one sets of Map Quest direction.  I guess she gets to stay, but he has to start sharing a little more.

So the five kids and I headed out at about 11:00 a.m. this morning and got back around 6 p.m.

I have such a headache.

I remember back when A~ was three or four and I spent the duration of every trip to the grocery store, every trip to the mall, every trip to EVERYwhere telling her to walk.  Just walk.  For the love of freakin’ Pete!  Just! Walk!  I actually got to the point where I would literally say,

“No jumping, no running, no leaping,  no spinning.  I am your mother and it is my job to take every ounce of joy out of your life.”

Of course, she would be spinning so fast through whatever store we were in that she didn’t actually hear any of that.

Today?  Today was A~ times three.  I mean, she just walked.  L~ just walked.  But the other three?????  This is where I would use profanity if it were my thing.  Instead?  I’ll just say, “Holy crow!”

Does anybody want three children?

I have a headache.  Every muscle in my body is wound so tightly I think I may explode.

~whimper~

The orthodontist was shocked that all of those kids were mine, and he made some comment to the effect that I am doing such a good job with them because they didn’t cause utter pandemonium in the office.  I told him he should see them at the store.

Anyway, Tank Boy’s filling was amazingly quick and pretty painless; and L~ doesn’t need braces quite yet, but definitely will at some point.  So, umm, yay?

Now for the Mormon Monday part.  Really, this one is good.

 

And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt is going to go collapse.

6 thoughts on “I Took My Husband’s Girlfriend Shopping & Mormon Monday

  1. Christina

    Ha… I chose the voice for our GPS – a British cabby named “Mikey”. I refuse to have some sexy voiced woman talking in our car. Besides me, I mean. 😉

    I’m rather impressed with your big family outing. I avoid going out alone with all 4 kids at all costs. And today when I took R shopping I let her ride in the cart even though she’s 8 and clearly too big for such things, just because it’s so much easier than letting her walk (or rather, bounce, spin, touch…). So I say you deserve a medal. Or at the very least a lot of chocolate.

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  2. My GPS is Yoda. I have completely given in to the kids infatuation to Star Wars. Actually, whenever Yoda talks, Tova listens & I’d pay money for that child to stop talking/screaming/yelling/crying while I’m driving. It is a kick when we’re in a store & she sees a GPS to hear her shouting about seeing Yoda.

    As sad as I was about the start of school, I have to admit shopping with one child I can either strap on my back or strap in the cart is pure bliss.

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  3. Ours is “Debbie.” Actually, her “real” name (given to her, I guess, by the GPS people in charge of naming the voices) is L____, but that is the name of the hub’s ex, so we had to change it and I chose Debbie. I hate Debbie’s guts. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “You’ve arrived at your destination” when I’m still in the MIDDLE OF THE D**N HIGHWAY… WTH, Debbie?

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  4. Sunflower Seeds

    You mean to tell me that my kids aren’t the only ones who ounce, bspin, dance, and touch their way through the store. Sometimes I swear I must sound like a freak saying. ‘Stop touching THAT!’ a million times throughout the store. This school shopping season I thought I had a brilliant plan. I took only two out at a time to get their supplies. Brilliant! Except that meant I had to endure the Walmart back-to-school aisle twice. Yeah…not such a great plan. Next time I think I’ll take advantage of them being open 24 hours and just drag the kids in there at 1 a.m. Hey! At least that way they’ll be less likely to be bouncing off the walls! 🙂

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  5. metaphase

    Our GPS is Julie. I named her, and I actually seem to be the one with a bit of a girl-crush. She’s just so darn helpful- I mean like way more than most other people in my life. Though she does sound a bit perturbed when she says “recalculating”.

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