New Moon The Movie and the Unanswered Question of Life

Who am I?
Where did I come from?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?

These are questions philosophers have debated for centuries.

Poor philosophers.  They could have just asked me.  I’ve got that all figured out.

The one question that does have me thoroughly stumped, however, is this:

Was New Moon actually a good movie, or did it just seem to be because Twilight was so incredibly craptacular that I had zero expectations this time around?

I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that question, but I suspect it might be:  a little bit of both.

On the plus side:

Robert Pattinson never once looked like he was going to throw up and/or be treated for a severe and as yet undiscovered psychiatric disorder. 

Additionally, Kristen Stewart emoted.  Once or twice. 

The movie stuck very closely to the book, and the changes that were included actually added to the story rather than being laughably stupid. 

The movie made me laugh several times, and not because it was laughably stupid (with one exception).  Did anybody else catch the name of the airline Bella flew to Italy?  I love the subtle humor.

Finally, Taylor Lautner took his shirt off.  A lot.

On the minus side:

Kristen Stewart, though better, is still mostly vapid. 

Since Robert Pattinson didn’t get to sing with marbles in his mouth on this movie’s soundtrack, he apparently decided to make up for it by delivering all of his lines that way.  Good thing I’ve read the books enough to know what was going on regardless.

Robert Pattinson’s nipples.  Is one extra big?  Or extra hairy?  Something was going on there . . . some distinct lack of nipple symmetry, and it distracted me both times I saw the movie (yes, I’ve seen it twice now – spent as much time with this movie as with the inside of my eyelids the past two nights).

And what was up with Bella in the Little Bo Peep dress?  Seriously?  I like to think that somebody in wardrobe was exacting revenge on KStewt  for her “I’m too good for this” emo attitude.

Finally, Taylor Lautner took his shirt off.  A lot.   It is depressing when one has to keep telling oneself, “You are old enough to be his mother, you are old enough to be his mother, you are old enough to be his mother . . .”

And since I know you’re wondering, yes, his nipples are symmetrical.

And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt needs to go spend time with the kids and unpack the car.

7 thoughts on “New Moon The Movie and the Unanswered Question of Life

  1. Dianna

    Ha! And completely worth the wait for your review. I’m going with a friend tomorrow – I’ll report back with my nipple observations *lol*


  2. Lol! I haven’t seen the movie, but my kids have and THEY were commenting about the nipples too. They said they were “wrinkly.” Now I can’t wait to see the movie so I can join in on the nipple conversation.


  3. Dianna

    After careful observation, I agree with your nipple conclusions. Absolutely nothing wrong with Taylor, but Rob has some serious issues. And what was UP with his hair during this movie? It didn’t look sexy and touseled… it just looked dirty!!! On the whole, however, I was pleased 🙂


  4. metaphase

    Bwahaha! I just recently watched the first movie b/c you had me frightened with your review. My DH (who we tease read his last book when it was Green Eggs and Ham) said after watching it, “Is it wrong that I liked it?” Anyway, we probably won’t see this one in theaters, but I love your reviews. It might be worth sitting with a bunch on tweens in the theater just to judge the nipples for myself and the fact that there is something to be said for Taylor Lautner in large screen. Glad he’s with Taylor Swift, someone I also like. (You know, ’cause they care what I think and all..)


  5. Oh thank GOD. I can watch this one and hold my head THIS much higher afterwards. WHEW!

    (I may have sent the link to your Twilight review to, um, everyone I know, it was THAT HILARIOUS. Also: very accurate.)


  6. Now that it’s got your blessing, mixed and funny as it is, I will sneak out of work tomorrow and go see it (my favorite theater in town — clean! good popcorn! — is conveniently located right by my workplace). Did they fix the “sparkles in sunlight” thing so they don’t look like they’re sweaty and flulike?


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