Dear Jake and Dagny,
I’m sorry we’re not taking you on your nightly walks through Little Town since the weather has gotten so cold, but really? Four invisibly fenced acres aren’t enough for you to roam? Sure, sure, we fenced some of it in for the horses, but still. The next time you decide the big jolt of electricity is worth it and go for a couple mile jog, nobody is coming looking for you. And if you don’t get shot while you’re out? I may shoot you myself when you try to come home. I don’t need this.
Dear Al Gore and His Slobbering Fans,
Have you been reading the weather forecasts for this week? Freezing temperatures all the way down to Florida? U.K. hit by worst cold snap in decades? Record lows, like, everywhere? Suck those ice cubes, you global warming weenie.
Dear Justin Bieber,
I caught the end of your performance on New Year’s Eve night/New Year’s Day morning. One Less Lonely Girl? Why? Because she’s going to be spending her Friday nights as your babysitter?
Dear Justin Bieber’s Parents,
Are your middle names Negligent or Greed? Or is it one of each.
I am thrilled to finally hear you use a verb. But does it really have to be hit?
Dear Friends Who Sent Your Christmas Cards Out This Week,
Thank you for prolonging my holiday joy. I really do like it.
Dear Snow and Illness,
You have caused the cancellation of our weekend plans. Enough said. It would be nice if you could do something about getting school cancelled today.
Dear Michael Cunningham,
I didn’t know if I was going to be able to make it through your book, The Hours, but I did. So very, very depressing; but at the end? So very, very worth it. Maybe this means I’m crazy, but those last two pages helped me put certain aspects of my own life in to perspective. Thank you. Now here is my one complaint: not every stay-at-home mom who feels trapped and unfulfilled is a closeted lesbian. You creators and purveyors of art at literature need to wake up to the fact that you are perpetuating a stereotype, and we all know how much you liberal artsy folks hate stereotypes.
Dear Fellow 300 Days of Wii Fit Participants,
Recent illness has caused me to rethink the requirements/rules. So here is how I’m doing it now: if you miss a day due to illness/death in the family/tsunami/military coup or other catastrophic event beyond your control, you can make it up! To make up a missed day, you must do two sessions on your Wii Fit the next day (or whichever day you are finally able to get back on it). The sessions must be at least 10 hours apart (so, one in the morning and one in the evening). I have now missed two days due to illness, so I can make them up by doing two days of two Wii Fit sessions. Sound fair? Does to me.
Tewt the Newt says, if you’re out there, stay warm in all this global warming.