No, I Do Not Have a Fax

So this morning I had a follow up, telephone appointment with my new wellness doc.  The purpose of this appointment was to go over my food sensitivity test results.

For the past two weeks I have been a bit worried that he would call with the results and say, “You hypochondriac.  You don’t have any food sensitivities.”  Not because I am a hypochondriac, mind you; just because it would be my luck that the test results would come back that way.  Who?  Me?  Paranoid that the world conspires against me?  What?

Instead he told me, “I do this testing on people, and it isn’t uncommon to find two or three problem foods, but you . . . do you have a fax?”

For the love, people.  Ayn Rand has written novels shorter than the list of foods I am going to have to avoid for at least six months.

I hyperbolize, obviously.

Hyperbole aside, however, I am reportedly mildly to severely intolerant of 45 foods and 8 different chemicals commonly found in pre-packaged foods.


I won’t bore you with the whole list of everything, but here are some of the highlights:

I am severely intolerant of peanuts.  Umm . . . WAHOO!  Nice to be vindicated, especially with peanuts since they are the very first thing I ever pinpointed as a migraine trigger.  I am also severely intolerant of vanilla.  Who knew?  So maybe my wheat issues have been more vanilla issues?  Because baking cookies and muffins almost always requires vanilla.

Or maybe it wasn’t the wheat but the combination of vanilla and blueberries in the muffins?  Because I am supposedly mildly intolerant of blueberries.  *sob*

But I’m sobbing too soon.  I haven’t even told you yet:  according to this testing I am strongly intolerant (comes between severely and mildly) of cocoa.  *SOB*

But back to the wheat for a moment.  According to these results, I CAN eat wheat, but I need to avoid gluten.  Hmm . . . How’s that work, exactly?

And?  Beet sugar is on my green list, but cane sugar is on my mildly intolerant list.  Anybody but me ever notice that on ingredient labels it just says, “sugar”?  Maybe I should start a campaign to require food manufacturers to tell what kind of sugar is in their products.  Of course, if I’m going to be pushing for more government regulation of stuff, I guess I’d better become a democrat.

Who knew that food sensitivities could make one change political parties?  Not I, that’s for sure.

Let’s see . . . ahh, yes.  Cow’s milk is also on my highly intolerant list (I know what my liberal friends are thinking: “Damn conservative.  You’re a conservative, of course your highly intolerant of all kinds of crap.”), so I’m vindicated again after years of not eating dairy because of the migraines.  I shall be trying more goat milk products, however, since goat milk is on my list of a-okay things.

Now, here are some head-scratchers for me.  After I quit eating all things peanut related, a friend got me a jar of cashew butter.  After eating it a few times, I got a migraine.  So I quickly dumped the cashews and avoided all nuts after that.  I know that peanuts and cashews are legumes, actually, not nuts, but still . . . I’ve just avoided nuts.  Anyway, there are all kids of peas and beans (legumes) on my severe and high intolerance lists, but cashews?  They are on my green-means-go list.

Really?  Okey-dokey.

And then there is the soy issue.  Good grief!  For a while I was eating soy cheeses, soy milk, soy “meats”, and the headaches!  Oh, the headaches!  So I cut the soy out and they were gone.  Just gone.  Until, you know, they started coming back.  But????  Soy is also on my green list.

So very confused by that one, unless there is some common factor in soy products other than soy that was causing the migraines.  Who knows?  Not I, that’s for sure.

Giving up the lima beans (severe), chick peas (strong), kidney beans (strong), and lentils (strong) isn’t going to be a big deal.  But the turkey and white potatoes (both strong)?  Really?  And black pepper, carrots, raspberries and sunflower butter (all mild)???   If I can’t eat peanut butter and I can’t eat sunflower butter, what’s left????

Ahh . . . almond butter.  Supposedly I can eat almonds as well.

But who the frap can’t eat black pepper? Sheesh.

Oh, and let’s not forget my years of not eating eggs due to the migraines.  According to the test I am only mildly sensitive to egg whites, and not at all sensitive to egg yolks.  Interesting.  So maybe it was the combination of egg and milk in the scrambled eggs or pancake batter, or whatever, that was giving me the migraines?  Maybe the milk wasn’t enough to cause them on its own until later, after I’d had another baby and my body had further gone to pot?  I just don’t know.

Part of me wants to experiment with this, but the other part of me thinks, “How does one go about washing all of the egg white off of the egg yolk; and really, how appetizing does all yolk scrambled eggs sound?

Hmm . . . at the moment, actually, not too bad.  And?  I could make them with rice milk because, THANK  YOU!, I can eat rice.  And corn.  And buckwheat.  But seriously, have you ever tried to make anything with buckwheat.  I guess it is an acquired taste or something.

And I still don’t know how one would make sure there were no white remnants left on the  yellow.

I’m not going to stress about all of this too much right now, though.  I am waiting for the lab that did the testing to mail me The Packet, which will contain a (hopefully better) copy of the test results and an apparently detailed rotation diet.  Once that gets here, well, then mealtimes will become an adventure, I guess.

But I refuse to go whole hog on this thing before we go to Florida next month.  ‘Cause daggonit!  I am going to drink some butter beer in The Three Broomsticks.

Thank you to everyone for all of the book suggestions and other comments on my last post.  I was going to write a post in which I replied individually to each of the comments, but it just hasn’t happened.  So, off the top of my head:  I have read The Hunger Games series (LOVED it); I’ve only read the first Stephanie Plum book (why?  why didn’t I ever read the rest of them???) so thank you for reminding me of those . . . ; umm, I don’t think I’ve read anything else that anybody suggested (but I don’t exactly remember what everyone suggested, though I will be going back and making a list); and, last but not least, how very, very Orwellian of you. Smile

Tewt the Newt is off to bed.  Maybe tomorrow will be Catch Up on Blog Reading Day.  I think it should be a holiday with cake and everything, don’t you?  Not that I could eat the cake.

8 thoughts on “No, I Do Not Have a Fax

  1. I hope they give you some good ideas of meals as that is one doozie of a list! I’ve done some cooking/baking with almond flour, coconute milk, almond milk….there are recipes out there and things do not turn out too bad. For gluten-free check out sites with recipes for people with Celiac. Buckwheat is best mixed with another flour, very strong taste in that one. I usually mix it with spelt, but I have a feeling that is on your no-go list as well.

    Best wishes on the whole deal, and enjoy that Butterbeer! (If the Three Broomsticks is full you can also get it at Hog’s Head Tavern that is connected to Three Broomsticks. Do not get it from the butterbeer cart that is outside…it’s hit and miss on good flavor.)


  2. Oh, one more HP tip for you. You have to store all bags before your enter line for Forbidden Journey. They will direct you to that area of the dungeon where the lockers are (free and electronically locked/unlocked.) Go past the door and there are two more doors on inside. You will feel like you are passing it, but you aren’t, it’s just around the first corner. Those lockers are empty and there aren’t lines for the computer that controls them…much easier for a fmaily to navigate than the initial crowded, long line room that everyone sees first.

    And hello, sunshine in February!!!! I can’t seem to talk my husband into dropping some cash on a weekend of sunshine with or without kids (darn budget and my plans for moving, lol!)


  3. My oldest niece has Celiac Disease, so we switched to a lot of gluten free foods, Whole Foods has become our friend and I noticed in the local WallyWorld they have a gluten free section too.

    I can’t imagine being intolerant of so much and trying to figure out how to eat around it. Tho I am allergic to chocolate and let me tell you that one is horrible, I eat it occassionally because well I’m a moody moody girl, but wow the itching!


  4. Wow my post just diasappeared!

    My oldest niece has Celiac disease and we have switched to gluten free. Whole Foods has saved us and I noticed that WallyWorld had a gluten free section also.


  5. WordPress has been kicking a lot of comments into spam for some reason. So odd, because people will leave a commentand it will go to spam, as yours did, and then they will leave another one and it will show up right where it belongs. I don’t get it at all.


  6. I get a headache just reading your list of forbidden foods. I hope that the rotation menu that they give you is helpful…

    I’m jealous that you get to go to Florida…I’m sick of the snow here!


  7. I have been using agave nectar as a sweetener as I have really been trying to cut out (okay, cut back on) carbs and sugar.

    Thought of one more book recommendation- have your read James Patterson’s new Witch and Warlock series? There are two out- W (Witch and Warlock) and G (The Gift). They are a little Hunger Games, a little Harry Potter. Pretty good and very easy reads!


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