I Could Have Been A Very Rich Blockader, or Very Charitable, in 1863

I have 20 people coming to spend the weekend at our house, and so, today, I have felt an almost overwhelming compulsion to organize my linen closets.  I have also felt compelled to take up drinking, but since the 20 people are coming for my youngest daughter’s baptism, it would probably be wildly inappropriate for me to give up 40 years of tee totaling at this point.

So the linen closets took a hit.

They needed it very badly.  My husband is a great unpacker, super fast and efficient.  But one pays a price for said speed and efficiency, and the price is exacted on organization.  So we’ve been here for almost a year now, and the linen closets have been about as organized as a room full of toddlers on crack.

It’s not entirely the husband’s fault, however.  Our last house had one linen closet that was roughly the size of a hummingbird cage.  Whoever designed that floor plan obviously had a smaller family in mind –a smaller family wherein each member gets one towel and one set of sheets each.  Anyway, needless to say, our largish family’s worth of stuff was crammed into that closet anyway we could make it fit, and I didn’t spend much time sorting and weeding for fear it would all come toppling out and: a. I would suffocate; and/or b. we would never be able to get any of it back in.

So willy-nilly it was in that overly minimalist closet, willy-nilly it came out of that ridiculously small closet, and will-nilly it went into my THREE linen closets in the new house.

Oh yes, three.  It is the linen closet version of heaven.  Umm, and we did stick extra stuff in those closets, too.  Like bed pillows.  I have this pillow thing.  Every year at Christmastime, you know, the black Friday sales, my favorite department store back home has fairly decent bed pillows on sale for super duper cheap.  So, every year, I buy some.  I have six pillows on my bed and somewhere between 8-10 extras (though some of those are pretty old).  Crazy, I know, but there it is.  Oh, and yeah, my kids have pillows, too.

Anyhoo, I took everything out of the two upstairs linen closets and then restuffed them with a bit more logic.  Wait.  Rephrase:  I stuffed them a bit more logically.  For instance, the towels and washcloths are now in the closet closest to the upstairs bathroom, and the blankets are in the closet between two of the bedrooms on the other end of the landing/loft/whatever you want to call that ridiculously wonderful large space up there.  I also put clean pillowcases on all the extra pillows so that we can just grab them out as needed for guests (yeah, I really don’t care if their pillowcases match whatever sheets I wind up putting on whichever air mattress they get).

I also organized the sheets!  Can you believe I’m writing about this?  Can you believe you’re reading it???  But oh. my. word! people.  The sheets!  I swear I have/had enough random flat twin and queen sheets to bandage up the entire Union army.  And maybe some of the Confederates, too.  It was crazy, and I didn’t even realize I had them.

Lots of them were old – hand-me-downs.  I’ve always tried, to some degree anyway, to live by the whole “use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without,” way of thinking.  It’s a good way to think, really. Much less waste.  Dare I say it?  GREEN.  Though I never thought of it as green before, just good stewardship and not wasteful.

Anyway, I went through all of those sheets, one by one, and realized I AM OVER IT.  At least when it comes to sheets.  Mostly.  I mean, I didn’t throw them out, because I’m sure my kids will need to make stage curtains or togas or something someday, and when they do I’ll pull out the bag o’ old flat sheets and, voila!  Plus, you never know, the time might come when somebody is desperate for bandages, lots of bandages.

You know what else I realized?  My sheets were apparently last folded by a troupe of drunken monkeys who may or may not have been going at it on the sheets while folding them.  Eee gads.  At least that’s all fixed now (not sure about the monkeys).

Nobody who is coming this weekend is going to see inside my linen closets (at least, I don’t think they will, though I suppose snoopers usually try to keep that on the down low), but now I know what I have and what I need to get to help 20 extra people sleep comfortably as comfortably as possible this weekend, and I’ll be able to access it all rather readily, and there is absolutely no way I nor anybody else could hide a bottle of hooch in there.  The closets are that neat and tidy.

Though hooch and bandage material could have really made me rich in 1863.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I could hide a drunk Munchkin behind all those pillows.

Tewt the Newt has decided to think about it all another day.

4 thoughts on “I Could Have Been A Very Rich Blockader, or Very Charitable, in 1863

  1. Hee. You said ‘drunken monkeys.’ You know I like drunk monkeys. I probably like drunk munchins, too. And yay, you- for straightening the linen closets. I need to do that. The reason I don’t? I live with boys who follow their dads philosophy, which is: “This (whatever it is) belongs wherever I happen to drop it,” and that philosophy quickly undoes all the linen-straightening efforts on my part. Boo-hoo. I need a drunken monkey to bounce through here and make me happy.

    And I have a thing for multiple pillow ownership, too! Another fascinating thing we have in common.


  2. Only YOU could make a post about organizing the linen closets so funny and entertaining. That line about the monkeys *literally* made me LOL. (would that me LLOL?)


  3. Well, way to lay on the guilt! Now I feel like I need to go organize my linen/craft closet–for the umpteenth time! No one here seems to care to keep it organized once I have done it.


  4. I *knew* I shouldn’t get behind on your blog. Drunken monkeys- ha! I so needed that laugh last week. Ah, it was just as funny tonight! Now I am embarrassed just thinking about my linen closet. Must organize…when I catch up on all my blog reading. Which will most likely be never…


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