Dear Amy Winehouse,
I’m sorry for the loss to your family and friends, but your early demise seems too inevitable to actually be news.
I don’t think four-year-old boys are supposed to care so much about having their bedroom painted. I’m sorry I vetoed your first two color choices of pink and black, but I do think the two shades of blue you ultimately settled on will look very nice together. I don’t appreciate your late addition of red into the color scheme, but I might work it in anyway. This morning’s addition of purple, however, is just not happening.
Dear Motorola Xoom,
I HEART you. Really, I do. Almost as much as I heart the husband who brought you home for a 15th anniversary gift. I especially love your Kindle app, and your Nook app comes in a close second. I mean, who couldn’t love an app that gives one The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook for free? Sure I already have it in hardback, but I probably won’t travel around with it like I will with you, Motorola Xoom; and one never knows when one will be on the road and in need of an authentic wizarding-inspired recipe.
You are worse than Facebook. You are total internet crack like nothing I’ve ever experienced (except blogging during the adoption process and stalking my email for approval from USCIS). I would love to set my very crafty daughter up with her own account on your site, dear Pinterest, but the occasional gomers keep posting soft core porn and things with very bad words – thing that I don’t even want to see – so no kids on Pinterest. If the problem doesn’t get better soon, there will also be no E. on Pinterest. That would make me very sad, since I am finding such good, fun, inspirational things there. Oh well.
Dear Google Reader,
I am terrified to open you. It has been . . . umm . . . I think, at least two weeks since I have opened you. Doing so now will reaffirm what a bad bloggy friend I have been and make me feel like I am a drowning in a big, huge vat of behindedness (If Shakespeare can make up words, so can I).
It has also been about two weeks since I have opened you. Hope I can remember the password to post this drivel.
Dear Zoning Peeps,
We were so focused on buying the property behind us and joining all of our properties together to make one big property that would allow us to have horses, that we missed a very important thing until I thought of it Friday. We’ve been all bummed about not being able to fence in the front part of our side lot because the zoning regs say no fencing can extend beyond the front of the house. But? Since the property owners behind us can’t split off a couple acres to sell us, and we’ll be renting it instead (because it’s already zoned agricultural, so we don’t have to have so much of it to put horses on)? We don’t HAVE to join our side lot to our main lot. This means there is no house legally associated with that lot. This means, according to your regulations, we can fence that sucker within 30 feet or so of the road. This means we are fencing in the best pasture area we have, that front part, for when our horses visit. On a daily basis. Because they will be living on two acres just behind us.
You are going by too quickly.
Dear Captain American,
You’re cute, but you’re not Thor.
Dear Harry Potter Movie Makers,
Harry was supposed to fix his own wand at the end and then put the elder wand back in Dumbledore’s tomb. What was with the snapping it in half? And? Molly Weasley got her moment, but it deserved much more build up than it got (none). There were a few other things you left out that were really rather critical to the themes and allegory of the story, but I suppose you were afraid of including too much Christianity. Because heaven forbid anyone should do that.
Dear Washington D.C. Clowns,
I don’t think it matters much what you do at this point. We’re screwed either way, thanks to all of your imbecilic money mismanagement and greed, and power lust. It’s just a matter of how soon it’s all going to hit the fan.
Dear Whoever Is Left Reading This,
I have two words for you: Food. Storage.
And Tewt the Newt says to remember water is an important part of food storage!