When I got married 20 years ago, I never dreamed that my life would be what it is today. Stay-at-home mom and wife? Sure, that was always part of the plan. Intelligent, successful husband who loves me and the gospel? Big part of the plan. Nice home and financial security? Heck yeah. Isn’t that part of everyone’s plan? Homeschooling mom? Nope, not part of the plan. Mom to six kids? Twenty years ago, if you’d told me that, I would have told you to go sober up. Adoptive mom? Well, it wasn’t really part of the plan, but it wasn’t really not part of the plan, either. Re-adoption of an “older” child and being a “trauma mamma”? Now that really wasn’t part of the plan. Living out in the country with horses and a passel of other animals? Definitely not part of the plan.
But here I am, with all of these things, wanted, expected, planned for, or not. It’s a pretty good life, actually; though there are those days, too many lately, that I wonder why and how and what the holy heck?
I started this blog 10 years ago as a way to cope, a way to heal after a very difficult period in my extended family. I started it with the intention of making myself find the good in life, even amidst the bad. It did that and so much more, but then life got in the way and I kind of abandoned it. I’m coming back because I need it again. I need the outlet. I need the distraction. I need to write because it is the one thing I enjoy doing and can do without packing the kids all off to school so that I can have space to do . . . something else. I need to refocus on finding the good in life, the joy in life, even when life isn’t easy or convenient.
My very first post explained the purpose of my blog and it’s title:
July 15, 2006
Are you a digger?
“Are you a digger? Are you a scraper?”
These, I believe, are the correct words to a commercial jingle that leaves me in hysterics every time I hear it. The commercial is about getting mayo out of a jar, but the words to that jingle always conjure images in my head of someone fighting a really bad wedgie. So this commercial comes on last night and I start, again, telling my husband it really sounds like they are trying to sell an undergarment malfunction retrieval device. He just wonders why I don’t ever lie on the couch in some fun, sexy pose when I am trying to get the last bit of mayo out. I have to remind him that this would be, at least in part, because I never eat mayo. Ever. Then he wonders why the one lady would be sitting on her guy’s shoulders while she is trying to get the mayo out. I have no idea but “obviously,” I say, “that couple has no children.”
This brings me to what I am likely to blog about the most — children. We have four, and we are in the process for number five. Now, erase whatever ookey picture that last sentence just painted in your head, because we are adopting number five, and adoption is a process. I hope to blog bunches about that, too.
The adoption process now brings me to the whole point of this blog: looking for George. When I first decided to try blogging my intention was to try to find an old friend with whom I’ve lost touch. Obviously, his name is George. I really do hope to find him someday. But before I could ever get going on the blog, we got started in this adoption process for another son (who, by the way, we will NOT name George). We found a little boy and began persuing adopting him, but eventually had to come to terms with the fact that he just was not meant to be in our family. This was very difficult; but I jumped back into the process and we are hoping to find our son in the next few to several months. So, suddenly, this whole idea of “looking for George” became something larger — looking for a friend, looking for a baby.
Now, in the midst of all this, I have also been dealing with a recent death and a recent divorce in my family. Each of those things were also quite long processes that happened simultaneously. They both finally ended within a month of each other. So I’ve been trying to bounce back from all the negative emotions and stress and find some balance and peace, and I realized that is just another George I am looking for. There are more Georges I’m looking for in my life. We all have them. They change and fluctuate over the years, but we are always seeking something, and I’m naming that something George.
And George, if you’re out there, Tewt the Newt says hello.